


Although They Are Beautiful, I Cannot Breathe

by Isaac_Potato



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Sad Ending, Sad middle, Unrequited Love, just sad, sad beginning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:15:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24410416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isaac_Potato/pseuds/Isaac_Potato
Summary: "You made flowers grow in my lungs, and although they are beautiful, I cannot breathe."Spencer is sick, and there's nothing the team can do to save him this time.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid
Comments: 11
Kudos: 166





	Although They Are Beautiful, I Cannot Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> This is really sad and I'm really sorry, but I love Hanahaki and there are none in this ship.

It started off with chest pains. At first Spencer believed it to be made by his mind, maybe to distract him from his headaches, which were slowly getting worse. But then, it was getting harder to breathe. Chasing unsubs was getting harder, because he’d have to stop after a while and brace himself, force himself to take deep breaths and assure his teammates that he was fine so they could continue the chase. 

Spencer decided he wasn’t going to see a doctor. They had done nothing for him but try to convince him he was crazy when he went for his headaches, and he knew this would be no different. Maybe he was just stressed, and he was imagining the pressure on his chest. 

After a couple months of the pain, the team went out for drinks together, Rossi’s treat. Spencer sat back and drank water, watching his team laugh and talk together. His eyes went to Hotch, sitting across from him, talking to Emily with one of those rare smiles on his face. Spencer had always loved to see Hotch smile, to see the usual stony expression his boss wore broken by occasional moments of happiness. It was rare to see before Haley died, but even more so now. 

Spencer watched Hotch laugh, he watched him lean in to talk to Emily about something that made her laugh, too. He sipped his drink and spoke to Rossi with ease, and then he made eye contact with Spencer. He looked at his subordinate, winked, and then went back to his conversation. That small movement, that tiny, insignificant gesture, threw Spencer off of his game. His mind went hazy and his last coherent thought was, “Fuck. Oh no,” Before he let himself bask in the warm glowy feeling it gave him to be looked at by Hotch that way. 

It happened really fast, then. One second, Spencer was all warm and gooey in his chair, staring longingly at Hotch, and the next he was coughing so hard it felt like his head was going to pop off his shoulders. He could hear people asking him if he was okay, and he waved them off with the excuse that his water just went down the wrong pipe. He turned his body to shield himself and brought his hand up to his mouth. It felt like something was clawing its way up his lungs, trying to escape. 

When he was finally finished, after what felt like hours, he blinked white spots out of his vision and looked down. In his hand were three small, white flower petals. They were daisy petals, skinny and delicate, and Spencer remembered that daisies represent innocence and loyal love. He crushed the velvety white petals in his hand, shoving them in his pocket before turning around and assuring his team that he was okay.

For once, Spencer chose to not think about what this meant. He knew if he thought about what it meant then he would just torutre himself. There’s no scientific proof that it even exists. He needs sleep.  
~~~~~~~~~~  
Ignoring it did not make it better. In fact, every time he thought about Hotch, he would cough up enough petals to construct his own garden of daisies. He began putting each handful into a jar on his dresser, and the first three he coughed up were resting next to it, crumpled but undamaged for the most part. He thought that if he could somehow study them, then he could find a sound, scientific answer. 

His team was beginning to notice something was wrong. His coughing was getting bad enough and frequent enough that JJ and Emily spent most of their time fretting over Spencer, making sure he wasn’t deathly ill. He could tell that he was looking worse and worse every passing day. He wasn’t sleeping much, because he would have dreams about Hotch and his smile and his laugh and the way his eyes lit up when they were all together as a team, or when he was with Jack, and Spencer would wake up violently, coughing and sputtering and feeling like he was being stabbed in his lungs.

Derek and Penelope cornered him one day as he was leaving work and wouldn’t let him around them until he started talking about what was going on. Spencer started tearing up, muttering something about how he was okay, just stressed and tired, and Derek grabbed his arm softly and led him to his office, Penelope following behind them and closing the door. Spencer collapsed into a chair.  
Spencer wasn’t the type to share his feelings. He didn’t want to tell his friends what was making him so sick and causing him so much pain. Not only did he not want the pity, but telling them would involve admitting he had feelings for his boss. Spencer didn’t want to imagine what would happen if he told Derek Morgan he had a crush on Aaron Hotchner, team leader of the BAU, a man who was ten years older than him. Penelope would try to be understanding, of course she would, but there was too much embarrassment to be felt when talking about petty crushes.

Even though all of these things were factors, Spencer had been keeping this secret for months, and it was becoming painful to his mind as much as his lungs, so he bit back his tears and pushed away his dignity and told them everything. About how he’s had feelings for Hotch probably since the day they met, and how he started to notice them more and more, but Hotch is their boss, and he’s straight, and he knows there’s no way the older man likes him the way Spencer loves him. He didn’t use the word love, though. Then, he faltered. Telling them about unrequited love with a superior was one thing, but coughing up flowers was something completely different. He told them anyway. Maybe if they knew they could help him find a reason that it was happening, even though he knew the cause already. “Hanahaki Disease.” He told them. He explained what it meant, and when he was done he looked his friends in the eye.

To his surprise, neither of them had a trace of judgement on their faces. They looked understanding, they even looked a little grave. They told him they understood, but he had to see a doctor. At this, he stood up. He couldn’t see a doctor. Doctors didn’t believe him when he said he was having headaches, a completely normal thing, how would they believe him if he went to them and told them he had flowers growing in his lungs.

He said a quick thank you before slipping out, avoiding Penelope when she reached out to grab him, to tell him that it was okay.   
~~~~~~~~~~  
He learned to deal with it. He really did. He was very good at managing his own feelings, and he made sure that his feelings never grew any larger than they were. He loved his boss, but that was all. He wasn’t head over heels, he wasn’t totally falling for him. He could focus on other things to keep Hotch’s smile and his eyes and his perfect body and his arms and-

He didn’t have to think about it. He had a lot of things to think about. He found himself reading more than normal, and when he ran out of books he’d play chess in the park. He played poker against everyone when they were on the jet just so Hotch’s intense stare didn’t burn a hole straight through his resolve. The coughing was happening less and less, and when it did happen, the amount of petals was significantly less than it was.

When Penelope would begin to fuss every time Spencer had a cough attack, he’d make sure she couldn’t see the petals. Derek was always trying to catch his attention whenever Hotch was near, making sure he didn’t focus too long on what made him crazy about the older man.

So, everything was fine. Until it wasn’t

Hotch was very happy with Beth. It was the happiest he had been since before Haley died. It was only a matter of time before it happened, Spencer knew that. Widowers tend to move on faster than widows and Hotch deserved happiness. Spencer was happy if he was happy, even if it meant the daisies were back. 

It was worse than before. It was getting more and more painful. Penelope and Derek kept trying to get him to a doctor, but Spencer kept refusing. It wasn’t until big, flat, yellow daffodil petals joined the daisy petals that Spencer caved. Daffodils, which represent regard and unrequited love, were significantly more uncomfortable to cough up than the skinny daisy petals. 

The doctor was understanding, and she listened as Spencer told her everything. Penelope stayed in the room with him, and insisted on holding his hand, and Spencer would lie if he said it wasn’t comforting. His doctor wanted to schedule a surgery, but he had to know the risks. Once the flowers were removed, all of his feelings for Hotch would go with them.

He spent a couple of days thinking about it. He watched Hotch when they were on a case, and he thought of how he feels towards him, and how warm the love feels, and then thought about not feeling it. 

He told Derek and Penelope that he wasn’t getting the surgery. It hurt a lot, but he loved Hotch, and it felt amazing to love someone like that. Derek was pissed. He didn’t understand why Spencer would put himself through pain, it was an easy surgery and loving Hotch won’t matter to him afterwards. Penelope told him he should talk to Hotch about it.

It seemed like that should have been obvious. It felt natural, going to Hotch for advice. He was the embodiment of the mom friend, always trying his best to keep his team together. But, this was something different. This wasn’t emotional healing, or needing someone to listen to you talk about someone who died. This was going up to your boss and telling him that you are in love with him. 

It took two months, two weeks and three days for Spencer to admit that maybe Penelope was right. It was to the point that he was having trouble doing simple tasks, like walking from one room to another, without running out of breath and having to sit down. He was on permanent desk duty, at least until his lungs cleared up. It was sweet of Hotch and Rossi to tell him that there was a chance this was temporary. Spencer, however, knew that as long as he was around Hotch and everything that made the young agent swoon over him, his lungs would never clear. 

He told Penelope and Derek one rainy Thursday morning that he was going to talk to Hotch. Derek gave some encouraging words, and Penelope offered to go in the office with him. He refused, saying this was something he needed to do alone. He waited until Rossi, Emily and JJ all left before walking up the stairs to Hotch’s office.

When he was inside, standing in front of the desk, his heart pounding in his chest, he regretted not letting Penelope come with him. Hotch was looking at him expectantly. Spencer stared into his eyes, and felt his heart start to flutter, and suddenly he was coughing horribly. He had to hold onto Hotch’s desk for support, and felt his boss’s hand on his upper arm. Spencer shook him off just in time for a pile of daisy and daffodil petals to land in his hands.

He dropped them on the desk and looked up at Hotch, who looked down at the small pile of white and yellow petals in bewilderment. “It’s called Hanahaki Disease.” Spencer told him.

“Hanahaki?” Hotch asked quietly, not looking up.

“A disease caused by unrequited love that causes the patient’s lungs to grow flowers, which the patient begins to cough up.” Spencer explained, looking at his boss.

Hotch finally looked up at Spencer’s face. “Unrequited love?” He asked. Spencer nodded. “For who?” Spencer didn’t answer, just looked into Hotch’s eyes, begging him silently to understand what he couldn’t say. Realization dawned on Hotch’s face. “Oh. Oh, Reid…” His face fell in sympathy, and a sharp pain went through Spencer’s chest that had nothing to do with his lungs. “How long have you had this?”

“About a year and a half.” He admitted, and felt the familiar feeling in his throat, warning him of a coughing fit. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Hotch asked. 

“Do you love me?” It was getting harder to not cough.

Hotch hesitated. “Spencer…”

“No, it’s okay,” Spencer began coughing. “I knew you didn’t,” His coughs got more violent, and he once again gripped the side of the desk. “I wouldn’t have this if you did,” It was getting so violent that spots were clouding his vision. “Also, you’re my boss.”

He couldn’t hear Hotch over his coughing. He doubled over, before falling to his hands and knees. His throat felt like it was stuffed full of petals, and they wouldn’t move. He tried to swallow, but that made it worse. He felt Hotch’s hands on his back, and someone was yelling. His vision grew dark, and the last thing he remembered was turning to see Derek’s face before blacking out.

He woke up in the ambulance, and looked over to see Hotch, sitting with his head in his hands. Maybe it was the lack of oxygen he had suffered, or maybe it was the near death experience, or the delirious feeling he has from passing out, but Spencer reached his hand up to the oxygen mask on his face, and croaked out, “Kiss me.”

Hotch looked up. “Spencer, you’re confused, just-”

“When we get to the hospital, they’re going to give me surgery. After the surgery, I won’t love you anymore. Please. Just once.” Spencer was very weak, and his voice was raspy. Hotch seemed to have an internal battle, before he stood up and leaned over Spencer’s gurnie. 

His hand was soft where it cupped Spencer’s cheek, his other hand next to him on the cushy surface for balance. His lips were even softer than his hands. He kissed him slowly, and Spencer felt his heart skip a beat. It was close mouthed and sweet, and when Hotch pulled back, Spencer breathed out a small, “Thank you,” before the world went black again.   
~~~~~~~~~~  
Spencer was doing better. Hotch watched as he recovered, and could once again laugh with his teammates. His feelings for Hotch had become strictly how he feels for the rest of his team. Still love, but a different, platonic love. 

Hotch was watching Spencer laugh at something JJ said one day, when he began coughing himself. He covered his mouth, and when he moved his hand, he saw three, skinny, white petals sitting in the palm of his hand.


End file.
